a so-called failure

 

i don’t even know what to think anymore!

This is supposed to be a really good thing for me. A learning expericance, an adventure, a way to grow up and mature. Maybe it is a little extreme, but look at me, I AM extreme aren’t i??? this is what its gonna take for me to grow up, in the REAL world.

I want to say, you know what this is hurting you, so I’ll make the hurt stop, but then im not happy. Im fucking miserable!! I cant stand it here. YOU cant even stand me here. You just want it your way! And its not likely to happen that way, so sorry

I have to get happy. You yourself noticed that im depressed. This is gonna make me happy. Its gonna get me out of the depression and out of this hole.

And getting all pissed off isn’t helping ANYONE! I want to spent the time I have with you, in a good way. Not you brooding and hurt b/c im leaving. Why not spend it happy and together?

I guess your just hoping that you’ll be pissed off enough and w/e enough and I’ll change my mind. One of two things is gonna happen. One, your either gonna come to terms with it, and we spend quality time together, and relatively happy. OR, you can continue to be pissed off and w/e and I’ll leave and on bad terms

I’ll always love you, and always care, but sheesh. I have to do what I have to do.

But your taking this sooo personal, and its sooo not! Its not about you! Its about me and me growing up and me learning and about ME! Sure you had plans for me, but things don’t always happen how you want them too. Dad wanted me to be something too. Well guess what, im not! Your wanting me to be something. Well im not!

Im never enough for you, im always failing. Always a disapproval.

Even when im doing good, doing really good, its NEVER enough!

I cant live up to what you want me to be, maybe my sister can. But

I certainly cant!

Im going to do what im going to do. And though you may not like it, I cannot live by someone else’s wants. I need to do this!

I need to be able to make mistakes. Quit trying to protect me from the inevitable!

Its gonna happen now or later, why not let it happen now, when it’ll hurt less, if at all!

Let me fall on my ass, let me beat myself to tiny lil pieces, I’ll be ok! I PROMISE! Other people have survived much worse.

And im not afraid, im not scared anymore. I don’t fear even death anymore! I would probably embrace it. Learn my lessons and start anew. I’ll get through this ok. And that’s the WORST possible case scenario. And im pretty sure that wont happen. But just encase, im prepared.

PLEASE let me go, let me be. And LET me make you proud!

Give me a chance to show you.

It hurts me to see you upset at me, it hurts to see that im a failure to you. Im trying to show you who I really am, what im really made of. LET ME PLEASE!

I cannot learn, I cannot grow, I cannot mature here.

I just cannot be what I need to become, here. I need to go out and explore. Maybe a few bruises and scars might make me whole. Might be what the fates have for me to become the strong woman I know I will become.

Just let go, let me do my thing!

Maybe,

Just maybe

I might surprise you

And maybe even

Maybe…

Make you proud