7-28-08 rantings

it very much angers me when i feel like i have to answer to everyone and their mother... i am freakin 18 years old. i AM very competent in most things. i can hold a job, not just any job, but one i sincerely dislike. i can manage my bills and be responsible with my money, always putting myself last. and i still dnt drive or have my own means of transportation, i always manage to get around to wherever i need to be...weather be it to work, or to hang with friends.

then why does it feel like i have all these superiors??? ok i get the boss...kinda goes with holding a job... but i feel like i have to answer to everyone...my mom, my dad, my little sister, and anyone who decides to come along and question my motives/actions. frankly im sick of it. im sick of have to having someone's approval for EVERYTHING!!!

i cant do this, do that, do this or that. i cant get a tat or a piercing without my mom being there, cus its our thing.... i cant get this kind of tat cus i need to wait for a particular reason...i cant live with the love of my life cus we arent married. all i ever hear is i cant....all because i risk someone's disapproval. and why the hell do i need someone's approval to do something. i make myself angry cus i am so dependant on the feelings/judgements of others.

i am trying to be a responsible young adult. i havent gotten in trouble with the law, i am keeping and holding a job, one i got all on my own. i just moved out of my dad's house. but before i left, i paid rent on a regular basis, on time and never owed him money for more than two weeks. (i borrowed money from him like an advance on my pay check, and when my check came i paid him off...again less than two weeks). in fact i dnt think ive ever owed anyone for more than two weeks...just to get me thru to the next check.

i feel like i have a bad rep for not being a good kid, for being bad, for screwing it up, for being not responcible or something. the way ppl treat me i feel like i havent owned up to it. let me be conseited for a min, i HAVE been exceptional. most kids cant even begin to brag of half of what ive done. and i always brush it off as, well thats just how it is. i never give myself enough credit. in turn what i get for that is im overlooked and shoved off to the side, and taken for granted.

ironically i really do try. probably too hard. i try so hard to be the best i possibly can be. be it work, school, being a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a roommate, a friend...a whatever. of couse im not perfect, not by a long shot, i know that. i can be a real bitch, i have my moments of being stubborn, but i try to see that i am being a stubborn bitch, back down and open my ears and really learn something. i always question myself, did i do it good enough, am -i- good enough, what did i miss, i had to have missed something, im always in the wrong...

that leads me to my next thought... i am ALWAYS questioning myself. i am never good enough, even for myself. when something good comes to me, i always justify it and downplay whatever. and the few times i say, ok yeah i did that, someone or something has to inevitably squash that and step on me. (jeez i guess jimmy really has gotten to me.) i am constantly second guessing my status, my rankings, am i good enoughs... im always wondering if i am failing as a girlfriend, lover, sister, (especially) as a daughter, even as a friend.

i have the best boyfriend a woman could ask for. he treats me like freaking gold, like a queen. he spoils me... and i could go on and on... i often wonder if i am good enough as a girlfriend to deserve him.

i really do have great parents. but why cant i appreciate them like they are. my dad can be so loving, a good listener, and a really good father. but other times he can be a butthead and a pain in the ass to be around, stubborn and just grrr in the most important areas of my life. my mom can be so fun to be around, like the older sister that i never had, a great friend, and an awesome mother. in the same token she can be a real bitch (like mother like daughter i guess), selfish and over-looking. i love my parents, i really do, but there are time i wish i could just be me, and be left to do my thing. they had their time to be kids, cant i have mine, or do i not deserve it?

*nods, steps off the soap box, and sits down...*